Hard Life of Trevor Philips
by Comix777
Summary: Being Trevor ain't easy. There's a bunch'a rednecks who hate you, people who hate Canadians, people who can't respect somebody's mother - and a fat, turd of a man who just happened to be your best friend. Next chapters are on the way. Previously titled "Trevor's Bad Day". Rated T, for language.
1. Trevor's Bad Day

_Author's note:_

_My one-shot in GTA V universe. May turn into a regular series._

* * *

><p>Rain. The fucking rain, comparable to the Lord pissing all over this sad, pathetic Earth.<p>

Right now it was cold, rainy and Trevor felt that his chopper was about to hit the cliff.

"C'mon, you piece of shit.", he muttered.

He managed to get close to the rock in the middle of the river, but the weather made it nearly impossible to keep the helicopter in one place. He opened the door and reached out, trying to grab the goal of his journey.

"Like reaching into the glory hole.", he muttered to himself while trying to get the damn piece of paper.

It flew out of his reach, pushed by the wind.

"I swear you'll see my butthole when I'll catch you.", Trevor said.

He finally grabbed the damned thing and quickly hid it in his pocket.

Suddenly, a turbulence struck him, throwing him out of the chopper. The former owner of the machine yelled with fear, but his yell was interrupted when he hit the cold, surprisingly hard water surface.

"Fuck my uncle.", he thought and then the sudden realisation struck him. He quickly dived as deep as he could and a second later, the chopper hit the bottom of the river, just a couple feet behind him. The stream took him away, carrying him throughout the canyon and eventually washing him up on the shore, nearby the forest.

"Fuck... fuck, fuck, fuck!", he said, as soon as he spat out the water. He pulled out his phone, once again glad that it was adjusted to his lifestyle. He dialed the number in and pressed the phone against his ear, visually scanning the area and trying to find some clue as to where he was.

"Mike... it's me, T. I need a lift. I'm-uh... in the forest. Not drugged, you fucking turd. I think I might be nearby the road that leads to Grand Senora. I said I think, I'm not fucking sure!", he yelled, pretty sure that he should've call a taxi. Or an ambulance.

"If you see a chopper, taking a bath in the river, just go along the stream and you'll find me.", he said. "Well, I'm not fucking going anywhere! Of course I'll be here.", he said and placed the phone back in his pocket. "Still wonder if Frank should've kill him.", he said to himself. "Or me. Would've spare me this crap.", he said and lowered his head, tired.

A loud roar interrupted his monologue.

Trevor looked in front of him and noticed a mountain lion, looking at him with hostility.

"What are YOU staring at?!"

* * *

><p>"Where, for fuck's sake, are you, T?", Micheal muttered to himself. It took him four hours to get into Blaine County, it was almost completely dark and there he was, driving around for over twenty minutes, looking for his psychotic best friend, wondering if there was any poor deer around who might've stumble upon weird, drugged, crazy, hipster animal of human race.<p>

Finally, he noticed a familiar figure, in characteristic shirt in plaid, old cargo pants and Pisswasser baseball cap. An outfit that Trevor called "the field one".

Micheal drove right next to him, glad that he found him before it got even darker.

"T, get your ass over here!", De Santa said, angry that he wasted so much time on getting there and looking for him.

Trevor was standing with his back facing Micheal, as if he didn't hear him.

"T? C'mon, let's move!", Mike shouted again.

Trevor just stood there, as if he was deeply thinking about something.

Micheal sighed, made an annoyed expression and got out of the car, then walked over to his best friend.

"C'mon, Trevor, let's get out of here."

Trevor turned back to him and Micheal gasped in shock when Trevor spitted out an animal's (at least he hoped it was animal's) eyeball, which he probably held in between his teeth for quite some time.

"Christ, T, what the fuck?!"

Trevor breathed in heavily. "I just needed to show someone his place in the food chain.", he said. Micheal then noticed a heavily massacred cougar's carcass several feet behind them. Trevor turned back, now looking at the forest and shouted "And may that be a lesson for the rest of you!"

He then turned to face Micheal, who was looking at him with shocked expression.

"We can go, sugar-tit."

* * *

><p>"Thanks for the ride, Mikey. I appreciate that you didn't try to take advantage of me.", Trevor said and got out of the car.<p>

"Oh, I apologise, but Amanda hasn't been so cold lately.", Micheal said sarcastically. "See you later, T."

This was it. Franklin's house.

Trevor checked his breath, just for shits'n'giggles, and, well, it smelled like victory.

He pressed the doorbell and waited, until finally, Franklin opened the door.

"Hey, T.", the younger man said with a smile.

"Hey, kiddo, I've got some of those funky space-ship parts and those pieces of paper.", Trevor said.

"Let me have a look."

Older man felt really proud of himself . It took him the entire day, he lost his chopper, he almost drowned and he ate something that could never be un-eaten. But finally, it was about to pay off.

"Thanks, T.", Franklin said, took the parts and letter fragments, and closed the door.

Trevor just stood there.

He breathed in.

He breathed out.

He breathed in again.

* * *

><p>"Calling all units, we got, ur...", the police officer said and looked again, unsure what to say. "... a redneck rampage.", the officer finished and started shooting again, trying to stop an angry man with a minigun.<p>

"WHERE ARE YOU, ASSHOLES, HIDING?!"


	2. Non-violent Ways

_Author's note:_

_Luckenhaft : Thanks for the first review, buddy._

_TexasGunKing : If Frank does that for the second time, I don't think he will survive._

_XDM3galonJD : Well, here are more chapters for ya._

_SectumSemprae : I'm still under great impression of Trevor's rage ability. I mean, he's able to survive the bite from the mountain lion. I only wish he could bite him back :P_

_WolfKomoki : Thanks for the review and for the fav._

* * *

><p>"Get your head out of my balls, Ron!", Trevor shouted as he was making a sharp turn, causing Ron, who was without the seatbelts, to fall face down on the former's crotch. They were driving away from a van filled with rednecks, who were shooting at them with home-made sawn-off shotguns and throwing Molotovs. One of the bottles actually landed on the back of the truck, where Wade was sitting, taking a cover behind the box that the three has stolen. Wade was fine, although one of his shoes caught on fire, making him yell.<p>

"Aaah! Fire! I'm on fire! I'm freaking ablaze!"

"That's the spirit, Wade.", Trevor yelled mockingly. "Keep it up!"

"Trevor, maybe it wasn't the best idea to...", Ron started saying, but Trevor interrupted him.

"To WHAT? To steal their meth and shoot one of them? They should be fucking thankful! I minimised the casualties!"

"Guys!", Wade shouted, now his pants being on fire. He quickly took them off and threw them at the van. The burning clothes covered the front windshield, blinding the driver. The van filled with redneck missed the bridge, drove off the road, fell down into the ocean and was never seen again.

"Good thinking, Wade.", Trevor said. "Pretty unusual for you."

They were back home already and Trevor parked his beloved car in the garage, making sure that the box was left undamaged by the fire.

"It will get smoked anyway.", he concluded. "Well, gentlemen, I think it's time to split the cash!", he announced with joy. "Let's see here.", he said and turned on his calculator-watch. "The meth that we got is worth something about 20 thousand dollars. Well, since there are three of us, this will be easy. As the CEO I take at least 60%.", Philips said, not even looking at his 'co-workers'. "I also did the best on the job, which gives me 10 percent of raise. I used some ammo on those rednecks and my ride got seriously damaged, so that's another 20 percent to cover that up. Wade, you get 5 percent for the sacrifice of your pants. By the way, you don't have to get yourself another pair.", Trevor added, looking at Wade and taking his sunglasses off. "I like what I see. And you, Ron, you're getting 200 bucks for giving me a BJ during the ride.", Trevor said. "But don't you fucking do that again when I'm taking a turn. Do that when I park.", the CEO of TP Enterprises said. "Anyway, the rest will go on buying some more coke and guns for the company. You may go now to take care of that pathetic junk of yours, Ron."

"I know Trevor, it's pretty sad!", Ron agreed.

"Do you have to be such a ball-less yes-man?", Trevor asked with annoyance.

"The worst kind of yes-man!"

"Forget I asked."

* * *

><p>"See what I have to put up with, Mikey? I gotta work with pussies, while on the other hand I have to fight with dicks. Every single reproductive organ in Southern San Andreas is after me!"<p>

"Maybe you would avoid half of those troubles if you weren't such a prick.", Micheal answered, looking for a place to park.

"Maybe you wouldn't attend some bullshit therapy if you weren't such a soft cock, Mikey-boy."

"Maybe I am being soft.", Mike answered. "But I got a wife, two kids that you love like your own, a great house, three cars-"

"And you need every one of them to drive your fat ass around.", Trevor interrupted him.

"Maybe. Still, I'm pretty happy with myself. After all this shit, I can finally say this. But you? Oh, no, you gotta go into this 'rage mode' of yours."

"I prefer to call it 'boner mode', since it gets LARGE. I mean, larger than usual."

"Sure.", Micheal said ironically. "Still, you wouldn't last one day, acting all peaceful and stuff."

Trevor just blowed a raspberry, but Micheal continued.

"Because you're too much of a... pussy."

Trevor pressed the brake of the car they were driving, making them stop instantly, much to the dismay of the several drivers behing them; some of them crashed into each other.

"T, the fuck?!"

"What... did you say?", Trevor asked slowly, after taking a deep breath.

"Jesus... nevermind, we gotta move..."

"Oh, no, we don't.", the crazy man said. "I'm gonna prove that you're wrong. That you're a sad, pathetic, fat, WRONG turd."

Micheal looked at him curiously, ignoring the names and titles he's been given. "And by that, you mean...?"

"A bet. I'm gonna spend one day in public. I'm gonna talk with people. I'm gonna ask them about their problems. I'm gonna speak with them like the softest cock in the world.", Trevor said.

"And what if you lose?"

"I'll blow you."

"Jesus fuck, no!"

"Okay then, sugar-tit. I will strip myself naked and run around Chumash."

"Like if you wouldn't do that anyway."

"Fuck you, 'Fatty Charms'. Okay, so how about this: if I fail, I'll spend the rest of the day walking around in public, dressed up like a pretty woman and saying that 'peace is the way to go' and other bullshit like that."

"I have no idea what happens in that crazy head of yours. But let's assume I agree.", Micheal said.

"But!", Trevor said and raised his pointing finger. "If you lose, YOU will run around Chumash naked."

"T, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Either way, ladies on the beach will sea a sand-python in action! Or in your case, a sand-worm. Very sad, saggy sand-worm."

"I hate you.", De Santa said.

"And that's precisely why you love me, sugar-tit."

* * *

><p>"Ok. Here we are. Talk to at least 10 different people and prove that you can be non-violent, non-dickish human being. Or whatever the hell you might be.", Micheal said. He was standing nearby the coffee machine, watching Trevor preparing himself mentally.<p>

"Let's do this.", Philips said. He noticed a slightly overweight woman walking nearby and blocked her way.

"Hello there, uh... good looking.", he said.

The woman gave him infriendly look.

"You want sumthin'?", she asked.

"Oh, all I want to do is help you. Help you get rid of this disgu...", Trevor said and stopped, noticing a mean smile appearing on Micheal's face. "... to teach you how to love your body.", T said instead. "I think we can start from ME loving your body...", Trevor added, only for the woman to slap him and quickly go away.

"She was too large for me anyway... would've crush me with her love pillows.", Trevor muttered. He looked for somebody else and noticed a nerdy teenager passing by.

"Hey! Hey, you!", he called him. The teenager looked at him, visibly confused.

"Me?", he asked, spitting all over himself due to the brace on his teeth.

"Yes, you, you pa..", Trevor said, only to correct himself in time. "...**promising**, young man."

"Um, what do you want, Mr.?"

"Listen boy, aren't you looking for a father figure?"

"What? N-no, I..."

"That's bad, cause your father did a poor fucking job.", Trevor said and looked the teenager up and down. He grabbed the boy by the shoulder. "Listen, I can teach you what a real man is ought to do!", Trevor said enthusiastically. "How to smoke meth, shoot a gun..."

"Uh..."

"...how to make a tattoo with only a screwdriver and some paint..."

"I think I gotta..."

"... how to pull it out before the tsunami comes..."

"I-I gotta go, Mister!", the teenager announced, breaking from Trevor's grasp and running away.

"Fucking kids these days!", Trevor shouted. "So fucking unthankful!"

Micheal was chuckling quietly, which didn't go unnoticed by his best friend.

"I swear, one day I'm gonna..."

Micheal never found out what Trevor was going to do one day, because another interesting person appeared, attracting the latter's attention.

"Hey, you! The guy in fedora!", Trevor shouted. The guy looked at him.

"Oh, dude, this outfit is sick!", the guy said and made the jazz hands.

"Uh... what?"

"This outfit! God, it's so ironic. So outcast-like, almost like a freakin' drunk redneck, but it's just so fresh... I mean, it's completely f-word dirty, but the idea is fresh!", the guy answered. "But you forgot to take the lenses out. From your glasses, I mean. Whatevs, it's still jawesome."

Trevor breathed in.

Then he breathed out.

He breathed in again.

* * *

><p>"It was totally worth it.", Trevor said, putting the wig on.<p>

"You didn't have to fucking shoot that hipster.", Micheal said. "And I really don't understand why did you had that dress."

"You really wanna know?", T asked.

"Nope. Now go.", Mike said with a mean grin.

Trevor made a dramatic pose, pressed his hand against his hip and started to walk like a woman, or rather like something vaguely resembling a woman.

Some guy walked past Trevor, briefly giving him something.

"Hah! Jokes on you, Mikey!", Trevor said and raised something in the air.

Micheal sweared quietly.

Trevor, still waving the piece of paper with the phone number written on it, started dancing the victory dance, scarring countles pedestrians for life.


End file.
